It's only been 4 days....

[floaty10]

But feels like forever. I went back to work yesterday and it was a very slow day at the casino--which helped me to ease back in. Then today we were so busy--so again I thought i can do this...I'm not gonna bust out in tears and things seem to be getting better. Then the Vet calls and tells me the ashes are there and I can pick them up when I feel able to. There went the day--totally shot. I'm just so not sure how to forgive myself. I am a rational person and I know I didn't cause him to be ill--but I think it's because I had to make the decision to end it--and then actually be the one to do it. All I can think is--I could have done something more--I should have waited longer maybe he would have gotten better (the rational me knows that CHF is not going to be cured). My son said something so sweet to me--he told me I did more for that little baby and loved him more then alot of people love and care for their human kids. I just have to find some way to begin to heal and I think so much of it will involve finding some way of forgiving for myself.
Any suggestions????

(I am going to check out the link below--just needed to vent a little bit first)

[Me&DappledDuo]

I truly think you're handling this in a completely normal fashion. I understand what it is to really, really love a dog and I know your grief is intense. Time is always the best painkiller- the most frustrating- but the best. One day you'll be able to think about Floaty without tearing up! You're still very early in the grieving process.

What you're doing RIGHT now is a great step- just let it ALL out! The DBB is full of people who understand. It's not always easy to get "other" people to see this through your eyes- some people just aren't as lucky as we are, and have never really had a connection with a pet. But you'll find none of that here, I assure you.

Try not to play the "what if" game- it's impossible to win. You did the right thing by Floaty- he was ready to go. Anything else would have been selfish. :hugs2:

Go easy on yourself- don't expect to feel instantly better. It's hard to say goodbye to someone you've loved so much. You're doing just fine.

We're all here for you- anytime you want to talk!

[babajay]

Janie, You have nothing to forgive yourself for. Floaty needed you to make that decision, since he couldn't do it for himself. He showed you with his eyes that it was time for him to go to the Rainbow Bridge. He was cradled in the arms he loved and looked into your eyes before he began his journey and now it's time to remember all the happy times and funny things he did while he was here with you. Floaty is at peace now and I'm sure he wants you to be at peace too. Sending comfort and prayers for you and Floaty. Barbara :pray: :pray:

P.S. Your son knows the depth of love you had for Floaty so there's no question that you did the right thing to ease his suffering.

[Kim H.]

My mom and I had to make the decision for our Shelly (cocker spaniel) many years ago... she had autoimmune hemolytic anemia and after a difficult year of steroid therapy, was doing better but then had a relapse. I think my mom still wonders if it was the right thing to do - but she probably would have needed regular IVs, maybe transfusions, more steroids (which had damaged her kidneys).

You are NEVER doing the wrong thing if you do it out of love for your dog. It was not wrong to help Shelly go when we did, and it would not have been wrong to fight to keep her alive a little longer. You took care of Floaty and did the right thing for him by loving him and reassuring him and doing everything you could to take away his pain... and you know what? That's the best any of us could ask of anyone.:heart:

[minicooper]

I have never had to make that awful decision (in my adult life) but I can imagine how it must feel. :(

You made the right decision for Floaty, because you did it out of love for him.

I really hope that just knowing we are all here for you makes this sad time a little easier.

[dutchman]

Janie,

You are doing just fine. The process you are going through is pretty normal. If you haven't already done so please take a look at the links to the Argus Institute that I posted in the grief resources. You are already following one of their steps to recovery by being here sharing your feelings with others who understand what you are going through. We have pretty broad shoulders here with plenty of room for leaning or crying.

I'm sure you made the correct decision with Floaty when Aggie was in the CCU following her back surgery there was another small dog just one or two kennels over from her who was suffering from advanced stages CHF. The students who man the CCU final year vet students felt so bad their was really little they could do to help the dog feel better but the owner wasn't ready to let it go yet.

If you haven't already picked up Floaty's ashes you might want to consider having a friend drive you that way if you have too difficult a time you don't have to worry about adding an accident to your current woes. Also having a friend along you can talk about the happy times ideally the friend would be one who also knew Floaty. I had a friend drive me out to pick up Aggies ashes. The crematory was a few miles out of town on a major two lane highway and I was going to be picking the ashes up about the evening rush hour. Once I got back into town I had some major four lane divided highway to contend with. Having my friend along and remembering some of the good times with Aggie made the trip much easier than I thought it would be. Take your time deciding what to do with the ashes there is no need to rush into any decision. IF you want I can give you the information on the artist who does the Egg Urns like the ones that Rena has Stinker in and I have Aggie in.

Please keep sharing your feeling here as long as you need to. With time it gets easier. Perhaps some day either soon or a long time from now Floaty will help guide a new little companion your way.Only you will know when the time is right for some it's as soon as possible for others it's a long time. I tend to be one who needs a new little companion to help heal the gaping hole in my heart after a losss. No we never replace our little ones but I also believe as much as they loves us they would hate to see us suffer too long. WE all know how much they tend to try and comfort us while they are with us.

One last thing if you haven't already done so please go take a look at the poem I added to your Floaty tribute post. You might of seen me post it before but I think it will now have some very special meaning to you with what you went through with Floaty. Yes you will cry as you read it but the tears will be part of the healing process.

[Juneysmom]

Janie,
I understand what you are going through. I lost Cooler a few months ago and just the littlest things make me cry. I remember feeling like I was handling things, then the call about Cooler's ashes came, and I broke down again (at work!).

Sometimes, when I come home, I still expect Cooler to meet me at the door.

I did something emotionally bad two years ago. I was trying to figure out what password to use on a certain application at work and at the time, Hunter had passed away. Well, I thought that in his honor, I would use his name as the password. As you can imagine, every time I use the application, tears come to my eyes. I tried to change the password, but apparently, because of the nature of the application, it is permanent. :(

I still have tears when I think Cleo and Taffy, too. It doesn't go away, but it can get milder.

[Heide]

My heart goes out to you.
I know how hard it is to make this decision. I had to do that with my Casey and I thought I would never be able to over come that feeling.
Only time will heal.
Its very important to let your feelings out.
There is a book that is called Coping with the loss of your pet. Its very good.
Sending big love rayz for you:heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart:

[lotsadox]

Faye's right. It does soften up with time. I lost Pebbles and CC in 2001. It took me 2 years before I could talk about it without tearing up. I still do sometimes when I think about certain cute things they did. Time will heal. My heart goes out to you now. I wish I was there so I could give you a big hug and talk with you about Floaty. It's very important to talk about it. If there's anyone who understands that you can talk to, do it. We're always here and always ready to listen. Sending rayz to you to help you out. :rayz: :rayz: :rayz: :rayz:

[TessieMom]

There is nothing that you could have done differently with CHF and yes, the pain gets better but I still tear up when I think of Stinker, but that is because I loved her so much that she will always be with me. In time, you may be able to share that love with another who needs you.

[Irminsul]

Just want to send you a big hug...:bighug:

Hang in there. Remember, Floaty will be waiting for you and is free to play without pain.

Love hurts, but it's worth it.

Be well!

Katja

[doxunzX3]

Your in my thoughts and prayers. :pray:
Your love for Floaty :muchlove: will never die or leave you.
Plus your helping him passing with dignity helped him to be your little angel now :angel: .
You did everything possible to help him and with all the love behind your decision it had to be the right time for his passing over to the Rainbow Bridge. Try to remember the good times and that he isn't suffering anymore.
Anything worth Loving is worth lots of tears. So don't beat yourself up over making that last descion. You were a blessing for him to be relieved of anymore pain and suffering.
Most of us have those special dogs from our past that we will always have with us. The pain will pass at the right time. You have a big heart and once the grieving process is further you will be able to remember the Precious times you had with your special Floaty.
God Bless You.

My Ozcar is one of my doxies that when I picked up his ashes I didn't know what to do with them. I always planned on taking them to our favorite campsite. But seeing as how he was always my travelor I think his ashes just stayed in my van for over a year. Sounds odd but then I always felt like he was still with me and having fun with the rest of the pack.

[quavec]

Try not to dwell on his last day w/you but all the wonderful ones before that you had w/him. I am so sorry you are hurting and wish I could offer the right words. Take heart that his is without pain right now and playing will all the others that are on the bridge.:hugs2:

[Anatresia]

I send my sympathies. I can imagine what it must be like. When I lost a dog in my teens, it was one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. I didn't think I could ever feel good again. But you have to trust in time and give your other one all the love you can.

Are you planning on getting another pup? The new one can't replace your lost baby, but I've found that the distraction and the love the new one brings helps ease the pain.

[SirOliversMom]

Dear Janie,

I lost my beloved Coco on July 28th after 10 years. I don't know if this will make you feel any better but I wish i could have been there. I wish I could have helped her to the bridge. She died suddenly and I wasn't there. After reading your story, it finally sunk in..a loss is a loss is a loss no matter how it happens. I've been beating myself up for not being there for a month but I know if I had of had to make the choice you did, I would still be beating myself up for making it. Guilt and anger play a very large part of the grieving process I guess.

I was VERY fortunate that Oliver was brought to me 10 days before Coco passed. Coincidence? Oliver was a rescue out of Illinois and probably the best thing for me at the time and still today of course, is that Oliver was here and Oliver needs me. Keeps me grounded.

This is a rough time for you...hugs from your Northern neighbour.

[floaty10]

I tried some new things today:

1. My son (Matthew) and I talked for quite some time about some funny Floaty and Pepper (Floaty's Dad) stories-- like how when Floaty was a baby and we had a pool he had his own little raft to float around on and how he would sneak up on Nelly and bite her butt and run and the time he actually jumped in the tub with me (WITHOUT invitation!).

2. I read the poem you posted Tom quite a few times--it's beautiful and seems like it was written exactly for me--Thank you so much Tom.

3. I am beginning to think more in terms of how lucky I was to share in his life--then to dwell on the very end of his life. So many of you said it : It's so special to share love with a "pet" the way I did--and not everyone gets that joy. And I know you all are right.

Just realizing those few things made me feel slightly better--and the guilt is starting to let go a little--because I also realize it would have been a far worse fate for him had I not made the decision. Just gets lonely without him. Yes I still have Skittles and Nelly--but Skittles is very aloof and princessy and makes you "earn her love" and Nelly is welllllllll she's in love with everyone from the mailman to the perfect stranger walking down the street. Not that I don't love both of them--because I certainly do--Floaty was just my little lover boy and and we had a very special bond.
I know that I will always have him in my heart--he was my best friend--and I know that someday I will see him again--I almost feel he will be watching out and waiting for me.

I thank all of you for letting me vent and helping me so so so so much with all of your kind words and wonderful ideas--I honestly have no one around me that understands what I'm feeling and I want you all to know that I couldn't get through this without all of you.

:muchlove:

[alfina]

It's hard for me to post int his forum because I end up crying every time. So, I am sorry I have not posted anything Janie yet. I just want to give you a BIG hug. :bighug:

[willsana]

Your latest post brought a smile to me. I hope you realize that YOU are helping US. I am among the many on the board that lost a best friend. My Duffy R. McTuffin. She was my light. When I read of your feelings, so new and so familiar, it renews my bond with Duffy somehow. I suppose this does not make much sense. Duffy died 3 days before our 14 year anniversary. The last hours and the days that followed were the hardest time of my life. But the pain and sorrow are part of my life with her. I would not trade a second of it for anything.

I hope you will share more of your memories of Floaty with us. He was one in a hundred million, for sure.

[lotsadox]

I've had lots of dogs and loved them all dearly, but some are just so special. I had the same kind of bond with Pebbles that you had with Floaty. When she died, it was so hard. Even though I cry now when I read your posts because it brings back all those feelings, like Annie I wouldn't trade them for anything. Time will ease the pain into sweet sorrow. Remember, we're hear anytime you need us.

[dutchman]

Janie,

Thank you for the update. It sounds like you have made it over the first crest of the roller coaster ride. From my experience there will be ups and downs for a while but hang in there and try to remember the happy special times when you get sad. Getting over Aggie who had been a mill mother before I got her from Hearts United was my project girl at first she feared the world and every thing in it. With time I won her heart and helped her overcome most of her other fears. Her loss and having to help her on her way to the bridge just days short of her fourth birthday and 23 months after first getting her broke my heart.

Keep posting here or in other forums. Feel free to repeat some of your happy day stories here or in the dachsie tales forum. I'm sure we would all enjoy hearing them.