When message boards are used for evil...

[Anatresia]

Hey everyone. This is very NDR, but I wanted to share because I thought maybe you'd have some advice for my sister (who is 19).

She was checking out a message board that her loser boyfriend is always on, trying to figure out what is cool about it, when she discovered that it is run by some girl he works with. This girl is about 28 and married (he's 20) and she's been trying to convince him to leave my sister to follow his dream of becoming a Japanese artist (he's a caucasian Buffalonian). She found that this girl is writing messages saying things like, "I have but one wish- I wish that fate had allowed me to meet this one person sooner" and to him specifically, "I miss you and I miss the sound of your laughter and your voice..." And he replied about her sad stories about high school (she's 28- isn't it time to let go of high school?), "I would've stood by your side to protect you, and still would to this day if you ask me to." This girl calls him ten times a day, makes him come over whenever she is sad or lonely (she is married!!!) and is just getting under my sister's skin. So my sister is in an uproar about the whole thing, rightfully so, I believe.

She has forbidden him from seeing this girl outside of work, but to me that's the wrong course of action. You can't forbid your significant other. I think it's time to either move on or decide she trusts him. Obviously this girl is in the wrong and needs to realize that marriage is not just a fun wedding to dress up for. As an engaged woman, I am appalled that she is acting this way after being newly married last year.

Any advice I can pass on to my little sister?

[Me&DappledDuo]

Yep- she needs to hightail it out of there. Chances are- she doesn't know everything that's happened. And I'm with YOU- HE doesn't respect his relationship- or the marriage of the "other woman". Doesn't say much for his relationship skills. :(

[FourOrchards]

Sounds like he's (and this other girl) are up to no good. Chrissy's right...she needs to hightail it out of there! Easier said than done I know, but if she listenes to you she'll be glad.

[Juneysmom]

I would high-tail it out of the relationship. When people have illicit internet relationships, it often becomes addictive and hard to break.

[roxysmom]

I agree, she needs to dump him. If he would rather spend time on the internet talking to a married female co-worker than his own girlfriend...Kick him to the curb!! That's just my opinion of course! :)

[juliette]

Gone, outta there, no second chances...I'm with everybody else on this one. Your sis has to break the link with this loser - he doesn't respect anybody's bounderies - and IT WON'T STOP.

[lotsadox]

Forbidding him to see her may make it worse. Affairs are based on fantasy and being forbidden from seeing her may make the fantasy stronger. However, your sister needs to talk to him and make it plain that she's not going to put up with this. He needs to find another job. He's obviously enfatuated with this woman and while he's in constant contact with her, he's going to stay that way. He is going to have to make the decision that he wants his relationship with your sister to continue and then show it by changing jobs and not having contact with this woman. If he refuses, your sister needs to do some thinking about this relationship. If he's not committed and she is, it's time to move on.

[Orchid Crazy]

I kissed alot of toads before I found my prince, this is one big horny toad and she needs to drop him and fast! May be hard on her, but he doesn't sound good at all. I agree with the it won't stop thing. Seems like these two are having a little love fantasy bewteen them. The distraught women and the handsome young un who rides in to save her type of thing. As hard as it may be on your sis, tell her to run, run, run and don't look back.

[blueyezz74]

Sounds like the woman is in a bad marriage and trying to live a fantasy world with your sis's bf. She needs to just get out! If he's like that now, he may be that way for the rest of his life!

Slime will always be slime!

One of my ex's that I lived with a long time ago was always on the internet and chatting. I got into MY computer one night and found lots of pics of other chics. I got out of that one! He said he never cheated and I sorta beleived him but what would have happened down the line? I wasn't risking it. BTW, he still looks for girls online and was trying to get advice from me about a year ago! :lol:

[kpm_tex]

She needs to :flush: this guy outta her life ASAP. I spent 3.5 years living with a guy that I knew was no good but I kept hoping things would change... the ony thing that changed was my bank account (downward) he never did.

[quavec]

Well, everyone pretty much stated the exact same thing I would have. HISTORY. I know some may think that you should try to hold on if it is true love but I just cannot do that. How can you be happy when you know the feelings are reciprocated? I hope all turns out well for your sister. It has got to be hard to deal with. Especially since he works w/this woman. And, yes, High School issues should be long buried at age 28. Sounds like she (this coworker) should be on a talk show ...one of those "this was me in HS, this is me now" type things. Let it go already.

[Anatresia]

Do I need to add that the 28 year old and my sister's boyfriend share the love of role playing (ie. Dungeons & Dragons)? That fits right in with the fantasy theory.
Here's the problem with my sis- she's been with him since they were 15. She's only dated him and they were practically attached at the hip for the past four and a half years. They're supposedly "engaged" according to him (he gave her a sapphire ring in front of his family last Christmas- yes, before I really became engaged which irked me as my relationship is serious) but she doesn't really consider herself engaged. More of a promise ring. Anyway, they live in this delusion that they're going to get married, despite all of these problems. He tried to break up with her a few weeks ago (over him moving away to become an animator, which is NEVER going to happen) but they "worked it out".
I went through the same thing. I dated a guy in high school for 4.5 years and he was a scum only I couldn't see it (you never can when you're in it). However, I knew I was something special (exaggering here) so I kicked him to the curb for my current fiance, who was the right guy for me. I had the same fears, the same pain. I hate seeing her go through the same darn thing and not be able to help or whatever...
She thinks that he is not replying back to this girl in an inappropriate manner... She is convinced they can work it out...
He replied on the board that "he is home, but is devoting his time to the love of his life" after the girl typed how she misses him. Grr... It's so hard to tell if he's lying.

[Me&DappledDuo]

I know this must be so hard to watch her go through- I went through a very similar thing at her age, too. Honestly- if she ends up with this guy, she WILL regret it one day. She's wasted enough of her youth on him- it's time for her to learn more about HERSELF. :)

All you can do is be there for her, help build up her confidence, and hope she sees the light before she gets really hurt. :hugs1:

[juliette]

One other thought for your sis....

You need two healthy INDIVIDUALS to make a healthy relationship...

Sounds like she needs to work on her own self image separate and distinct from the b/f

[blueyezz74]

We all fall for guys at a young age and we think they are the one. Until they are completely out of our life do we realize that they were not right for her.

This is her learning experience, like we've had.

[lotsadox]

Your sister is right about one thing. He is replying inappropriately. It's always hard to judge when you're outside of a relationship, but there's definitely something wrong here. I think that they both have a lot of maturing to do and that it will best be done separately. It's going to be very hard for your sister since she started dating him at such a young age but very necessary.

[roxysmom]

I was watching Oprah a couple weeks ago and they were talking about a book I want to get and sounds like she needs it too! It's called " He's just not that into you" by Greg Behrendt(writer for Sex&the City). He had a good line that said "Don't waste pretty" talking about how women stay with the wrong men. He said dump him, get out a look for the right man. Good advoce IMHO! :)

[FOREVER A DAXIE]

Bye, Bye Boyfriend! No lasting relationship that I can see IMO.

Unfortuntely, she will only see the light if SHE wants to. Some Women (or young ladies) make a Choice to be Blind and look the other way.

[quavec]

Tracy. I think most of us have gone through something similar. I only hope that your sister comes out of this a better person and w/her self esteem intact. I dated my teenage sweetheart for 4 years. I thought he was the love of my life although he made me miserable and made me feel like I was not worth anything. Needless to say, I left that situation w/my self esteem battered and no friends. BUT, it made me a stronger person and the new people I met more than helped me w/the self esteem. They were a wonderful support group for me. That is what your sister will need. No one will be able to tell her what to do. She has to figure it out for herself. But everyone who is offering her advice right now needs to be there for her when the bottom falls out and she is left alone and broken. :hugs1: to her. First loves are always the toughest to get over. BTW, my xbf and I are once again on speaking terms. He got married and has a son. We began mending fences after his wife told him what an a** he had been (thru friends of ours from HS). We aren't friends but when he comes to visit his family and we run into each other, the bitterness (me) and shame (him) are gone. I hope your sister has a similar happy ending in her future. :hug2:

[doxunzX3]

Just remember she might not do what you think is best. I have learned from past experience with friends that often they end up staying in the relationship. I think it is good to share your thoughts and feelings about something going on. But... you can't expect them to follow through on it. If she does wonderful. But... again if she stays and you will want to keep your relationship with her.
I took care of a friends dog while she was hiding on her husband. The guy had a gun in his car according to her. But she went back to him and even told him I had her dog. Thanks Alot! for putting me as the bad guy with him. She eventually did divorce and move on to another jerk that isn't much better.
Try to encourage her to get some counselling and help for herself. The healthier she gets the better chances she won't settle for someone that isn't mature and trustworthy.
OK I am off my soap box!
Just be there for her as much as you can but take care of yourself first.