In need for support

[karen1]

Three weeks ago I buried my almost 14 years old DAXI (that is actually his name). He was fighting cancer (lymphoma) for two years. Last June I wrote about him here and some of you good people encouraged us to go on. Well, we did, but unfortunately it can't go on forever... but I want to thank you for your support back then. DAXI sure put up a great fight, and lived so happily up to the last few days of his life. We are so proud of him for doing his best and staying well for so long. I personally never met a living creature so in love with life as my dear sweat heart was. We now know that at his last few weeks he must have been feeling that something is wrong but he didn't show us anything... wanting to make us happy as long as he could hide it. This is how wonderful and beautiful his soul was.
I still find it very hard to deal with his death and there are many things I would like to write but can't at the moment. However, I need that support again.... I want some advice about -how to deal with people who are not sensitive to my condition of grief. Although I promised myself I would not expect too much of people around me who are not close friends, I find that I keep expecting and then getting disappointed because some people don't show me any sympathy. for example friends of my partner who heard but don't even dare to say the words- "I sympathize for your loss". How should I deal with that? what do you do?
I would appreciate your advice and whatever experience you had with this.

[mardoniche]

Hi Karen, so sad to hear of the loss of your little boy, I do know how you are feeling and my heart goes out to you. It doesnt seem to matter how many times you read of people losing their dogs and all the advice you may read or give, when it is one of yours it hurts like hell. Nothing anyone can say or do will help at the time. It is only after time when things start to feel not quite so raw that reading and talking to others helps. Sadly some people just can not cope with the loss of a loved one be it an animal or human. So they just avoid talking about it at all costs. Then there are the people who do not value the lives of animals and cannot understand what you are going through. To them it was only a dog, get another one. These people will never understand the deep and painful grief you are feeling, unless of course they ever give their heart to a dog.
A friend of mine, many years ago now lost her son in a car accident, he was thirteen. What hurt her the most was people, even her friends would ccross the road rather than face her. Others just never mentioned him. She felt so angry, because people were making her feel that he had never existed, how cruel of them and how selfish. People are scared of death and the loss of a loved one. But I think that you should put yourself last and first and formost put the grieving person first. In situations like this your feelings must come second.
Where your friends are concerned perhaps they do not want to upset you. Why dont you bring it up, talk about Daxi, let them know how hurt you are. And that you need to talk of him. You need to cry and laugh when you share the many memories you must have of him. Still talk to him, feel him with you, because he has only just slipped through another door. That door is not closed it is only ajar. One day you too will have to go through it and he will be there waiting for you.
You will have bad days but hopefully they will get less as time goes by, but remember he will always love you as you will him, Love Dawn and dachsies <img border="0" alt="[heart]" title="" src="graemlins/heart.gif" />

[karen1]

Dear Dawn,
Thank you so much for your answer. This is just so painful, not that I am surprised, I have gone through this once before. But nothing seems to make it easier. I will try what you said with people. Regarding what you said about the two kinds-the ones ignoring any loss and the ones ignorant to the grieving an animal- you are so right, and I guess I shouldn't bother to check which kind they are, right? either way that person would not give me what I need. I don't know why I am so upset about this. but right now I just can't stand to be around people who are so insensitive to this issue. One acquaintance asked me "and do you go over to the grave? isn't that a little funny?"
well, I will try some of your suggestions. Thanks again for replying (and so fast!)
Karen (and DAXI too)

[assisivk]

Dear Karen,
I very much agree with the things that Dawn wrote. People respond in very different ways to death. When it is a human family member there are, at least, responses that we can fall back on at times. When it is a furry family member, people quite often don't realize the depth of emotion. Years ago when I was raising my own children, we had dogs and cats and rabbits that were certainly well loved and well cared for... but I just didn't get it. At that time, my favourite aunt's dog died and she was devastated. It took her weeks before she could even talk about him without breaking down. I am ashamed to admit it, but back then I was very impatient about it though I did not express that impatience to her... nor did I express any kind of condolences beyond that I was sorry. I encouraged her to get another dog. I can't believe how insensitive I was to what she was going through. It taught me something though.... that even if I didn't understand it, she was feeling it and I should at least be kind about it. Along the way in the years since, furry family members have come and gone and the emotion that I have felt for each of them has deepened that understanding. Here on this board I have written about losing my beloved Jake. I've come full circle. I guess all I'm trying to say is that sometimes our own experience limits our understanding. That it isn't coldness so much as just not knowing how much your Daxi brought to your life. Love is given and received without limits I think.... not everyone understands that you can love a dog or any other little creature just as much as you can another human being... just in a different way.... in the way that you can love many different friends... each in a different way for who they are.... there is plenty of love in a heart to go around. It is a difficult time for you to get through. You may not find lots of people in your life that really get what you are going through but there are always people here on this board. Something my vet suggested when Jake died was a group that was set up for people who were grieving the loss of a pet and they got together to talk about it. Perhaps there is something like that in your area. Or maybe even on line. There are people out there who do understand what you must now deal with and know how difficult it is. My thoughts are with you.

[Mom of Freddie and FG]

Karen,

I guess the best way to sum it up or try to explain is that, there are animal-lovers and non animal-lovers. Non animal-lovers simply do not feel the same way we do. Unfortunately a lot of people do have the "it's just a dog" attitude.
We here certainly understand. :)

Susan

[Tanya]

Karen,
I fear I will just repeat some of what the others have already said. How kind everyone is on this board. When I lost Punkin on Dec 24, 1999, I thought I would just die with her. She passed 4 days after back surgery on Christmas Eve of all days - not that another day would have been any better.

I think I wanted the opposite of what you want. I grieved and cried and I didn't want anyone to come to me and tell me how sorry they were. It hurt me too much. In fact, I called work and told the secretary about Punkin's death. I told her to tell people not to come to me to talk about it and offer sympathy. Well, I came to work and the first person I saw hugged me and said they were so sorry. I just fell completely apart.

I know people were uncomfortable. Your friends probably don't know what to say or do. as suggested, if you want to talk about it, you should bring it up. Explain to them how important your baby is to you and that all you want them to do is listen. So many friends want to "fix it" for you and this is something they can't fix. I had one person say to me that I should just get another dog that looks like Punkin. The hate - yes hate - I felt at that moment was tremendous. After I thought about it, I felt sad for that person. They had obviously not had such a close relationship with their pet. I wanted to say at first, if you lost a child - would you just go out a have another one - but I knew that was stupid and would only make things worse. I later told the friend how much her words hurt me and she had no idea. She was trying to help in her own way. People who haven't experienced what we all here have can never understand what we feel when we lose a pet/family member in my opinion.I still cry for Punkin and it has been over 2 years. Some friends understand and some still don't...but that's ok. You just know that you have friends here and ANYTIME you want to talk about your baby you feel free. We all understand. You can even email me at andersot@darton.edu to talk if you want. Grieve as long as you need to the way you need to.
love,
Tanya

[Mom of Freddie and FG]

Tanya,

I remember about Punkin. Wow, it doesn't seem that long ago.

Karen,

Tanya brought up a good point, the fact that some people just feel awkward and really do not know what to say. They feel that the person may just "loose it" (as Tanya did when her co-worker went up to her to hug her and say she was sorry), and so they try to avoid the uncomfortableness. So it's not really that they do not care or feel for you, they just do not know exactly what to say. We've all probably been there, I know I have.

So, I feel that there are these kind of people, and also those who just "don't get it" or understand the pain.

I can't even imagine losing my guys at this point. I know it's going to happen someday, and when it does I don't know how I will get through it. Just typing this brings tears to my eyes.

Susan

[Rusty's mom]

I cannot add to what everyone else has said. Please know that we are here for you and please keep in touch. We care - and understand - take care of yourself as well.

Kathy - mom to Rusty, Duffer and Hobbs

[karen1]

Dear Dawn, Vicki, Susan, Tanya and Kathy,

Thank you all so much for your words of support. You make me stronger and help me go through this. I understand all that you say about people's behavior, and I hope I can be more patient with my friends and other people that are not behaving like I want them to... I guess that like Vicki wrote, a person should be able to sympathize with another's sufferings even if he/she doesn't really understand the other's pain. I guess I still expect that of my friends. Maybe it is too much, I don't know. HOwever, I tried talking to some of them according to what you suggested, and in some cases it helped.
However, what helpes a lot is your responses and encouragement. It is so good to know that there are pepople who feel like me and who can symphatize like you do, without me having to apologize- "I know it is "just a dog" but I am realy suffering..."
Thank tou so much, please keep in touch.

Keren

[mardoniche]

Hi Karen,
I do hope that as the days are going by, you will feel a little better. Daxie was not just a dog, he was your little lad, the only difference between our furkids and our humans is that they cannot speak to us, at least not with the power of human words. Dont let people tell you, or even make you feel that "he was just a dog". How dare they, he was a precious soul, one that gave as well as received love. I wish you well and hope that you soon will find your peace,
love Dawn and dachsies <img border="0" alt="[Love]" title="" src="graemlins/love.gif" />

[Tanya]

Karen,
We are all here for you. Many here listened (still listen) to me when I need to cry about Punkin. Your baby was not "just a dog". That is one comment I did not tolerate from my friends. Your baby is a part of your family and will be remembered that way. Don't let people minimize the importance of your baby and your loss. Do be patient with your friends. Talk to those of us who will listen and those friends who do understand. Bless you.
Tanya

[LisaH]

Karen:

I wanted to add my sympathies to the others. The phrase "he was just a dog" makes me SO angry. I hears that from people, some of them friends, in reference to the way I care for my Annie. I don't dress her in doll clothes or feed her caviar--I just love her to death and consider her a major part of my life. "Just a dog" is meaningless. Clearly, when you are mourning like this, the one you are mourning is not "just" anything. Daxi sounds very special! Again, so sorry for your loss.

LisaH and Annie

[karen1]

Dear LisaH,

Thank you so much for replying. I agree with every word you wrote. so- what do you do with close friends who make these remarks? How do you react? because I have this instinct to just break my ties with these people, and I am not doing so only because I know I am not functioning as usual these days, since I am at grief. what do you think, how should we tolerate this attitude? (if at all)
Karen1

[Tanya]

Hi Karen,
Maybe you should tell your friends who act this way that you feel they are being insensitive to your loss and that it truly maks you feel that you should cut ties with them. That may be drastic but at least maybe they would not how deeply their actions hurt you. I discovered this poem and wanted to post it for you.

THE SILHOUETTE
Author: Terri Onorato

The silhouette stands boldly
at the end of the hallway
ears erect, eyes like jewels
the tail, it softly sways.
This wouldn't be the first time
I've seen her stand nearby
her image clear as crystal
from the corner of my eye.
Her visits I don't share with some
who think I've went over and beyond
the grieving time they deem I need,
they say I should move on.
I sometimes pity people who
have never felt just cause
to share the bond between two souls,
one with hands and one with paws.
The silhouette reminds me
what the others say is wrong
for as long as breath goes through me
there exists our mighty bond.
When the Keeper calls me home
and the Bridge gates open wide
our bond will deepen ten fold
as we walk through side by side.
You see, I am the lucky one
as I've been truly blessed
for someday we'll walk together
as eternal silhouettes.

Hang in there.
Tanya

[Mutzie's Mom]

Karen,
I am also very sorry for your loss. I recently (Jan. 17) lost my baby of 16 1/2 years. I still cry daily for her. My arms ache to hold her and love on her. I still hold her pillow at night because it smells like her. I am feeling as much pain now as I did the day she died. It is unreal the impact a loving, loyal and devoted dachsie has on your family. They are a member, just like everyone else.
I, too, got so mad and so frustrated with the people around me. My mother-in-law is NOT an animal person. When she finally called to see how we were doing, she said that she really didn't know what to say because she saw it as just losing a "pet" and we saw it as losing a "child" and she apologized for not being able to relate. I was furious! Then, one of my closer friends, asked me why I was so worked up and out of it over a dog. She said, and I quote, "That was just an old dog! You are so goofy to get worked up over her. You can get another one. They just flare up my allergies anyway." Let's just say that she's called me several times since then and I will not allow her, or her daughter to visit any more. I am not going to put myself in a situation where I might blow up and get angry. I am not that kind of person.
My heart is with you during this horrible time. Please e-mail me if you need a shoulder to cry on. I am just now able to feel like I can help others deal with this issue...and I am still not over the death of my baby. My husband and I grieve for her every night. It does help that I have him. We talk about all the cute and smart things Mutzie did. We both shared a tremendous love for her. He didn't have her as long as I did, but that didn't diminish his love for her. We were owned by her and not the other way around! We did get another dog, who will never be able to replace her. He just helps ease the pain. I couldn't stand coming home to an empty house with no pupper waiting to lick me to death. I love our Shepard so much and I just hold him and cry sometimes. I think it's theraputic. He has brought a lot of joy to us during this difficult time. We love him dearly! He's so fiesty and full of life, which poor Mutzie was not during her final days.
Sorry to go on and on. I could write forever! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Sherry

[pennysmom]

You guys, I am so sorry for your losses. We lost our westie--Heidi--March 28,2001. We got cards of sympathy and emails from our friends and family--like she was our child. Hopefully your family will come to understand how deep you care for your loved ones. When we grieve, everyone is different. I can talk about Heidi now and fondly remember her. I still cry for her sometimes and we have her pictures around in the house. Even our doxie--Penny grieved for her so much. We did get another westie--Katie. She won't replace Heidi--but she has helped to ease our loss. She is a nut! And gets along with Penny great. My prayer for you is that as each day goes by it gets easier to remember the happy things.
bye for now..Janet & Penny & Katie <img border="0" alt="[Angel]" title="" src="graemlins/angel1.gif" />

[crock]

What a great group we have. It is so good we can all share our pains, past & present, as it helps each one of us heal. March 9 was the 2 year anniversary of the loss of two of our dachsie furkids. A pair of coyotes came in the yard and got them. We buried Patty & Schnopps on a little knoll at our place. I was out there last Sat cleaning up their gravesite and getting it ready for spring planting. I had my Pepper with me (my husband got him for me after we lost our two) and I was telling Schnopps how Pepper was like him in his stubborn way (and crying my heart out as I did). Two years and I still cry for them. But, I like being able to go out there and talk to them, knowing they are at the bridge waiting for me.
Charlotte