18 years ago today

[doxi1myheart]

18 years ago today (or tonight actually),I got my first taste of just how unfair this game we call life is. My dad stopped by before school to see me on his way to work. The last words we said to each other were "I Love You",and he was out the door. Later that night he would lose his life in a car crash. The next day I would be pulled out of Jim Stewart's Government class,and sent to the office. I kept thinking "Oh no-something has happened to Papaw-he's gotten worse". I saw the look on my Mom's face as I entered the office,and it felt like my legs had been pulled from under me. I knew then it was dad. Heck of a Valentine's Day present it was to say the least. I didn't allow myself to grieve the way I should have. I kept telling myself "I have to get Caleb (my little brother who was 11 at the time) raised. I have to be the man now". (My elder brothers have never been the responsible type). When you are 17,you need your dad around. This is the time when you are making the awkward and painful transition from boy to man. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that had I had my dad around,I would have taken some different roads in life,but it is what it is. It made me stronger looking back,but today is 18 years,and it still hurts like hell. Thankfully later in life my stepdad came along,but we lost him in July,and it felt 2x as worse.

I despise this time of year. Valentine's Day is a monumental struggle for me. I used to do nothing on that day when I was married to the ex except go to his gravesite. With Lisa I do try to do things,get her flowers,candy,teddy bears,take her to dinner (guess that shows just how I feel about her). I am very lucky that she understands what today and tomorrow are like for me (as best she can anyway),and she supports me. After 18 years,I have learned to deal,but there are still days when I break. I just have to pray that I'll see him again someday. I catch myself often wondering if he would be proud of me if he were alive. I have made so many mistakes,and he always dreamed that I'd do what he couldn't-go to college,get a degree,and get a job where I didn't have to bust my chops like he did,yet here I am working at a prison. I can't help but feel I have let him down:faint:

Curtis Allen Lewis
March 17,1945
February 13,1991
An inspiration to all who knew him

[Heidi's Pam]

:bighug: Joe. I absolutely have no doubt that your dad would be incredibly proud of the wonderful man that you have become. I hope that the next couple of days aren't too painful for you. :hug:

[schroeders mom]

No - you never let your dad down. You do an honest days work for an honest days pay, you have God in your heart and you share that love of Christ with those prison inmates and others, so how could that be letting him down? I would say he would be very proud of you.
I know it still hurts and it most likely always will - but you should hold your head up and be proud, you are his son and a great person! :hug2::hug2:

[Ellies mom]

Are you happy? That is all parents really want for their kids. As long as you are happy, your Dad is VERY VERY proud of you. My Grandmother raised me and all she wanted for me was to 1. Go to College, 2. Marry a good man. (Irish grandmother - lol) At the time of her death I had quit college and was in the middle of a divorce. The week before she passed she asked if I was finally happy... I said yes and she said that is all she ever wanted. All everyone wants for their loved ones. I am sure Lisa understands how these days are for you and she realizes how generous and loving you are to her when you do special things for her even when you ar hurting. Keep Faith.

[Patricia]

I think your dad would be proud of the person you have become. He may have had a dream for you to go to college, but having a degree doesn't make you a good person. You walked your own path and got there in your own way. There's a lot to be said for that. :hanginthere:

[Tucker's Mom]

I feel your pain as I think only one who has lost a Dad so suddenly can.:hug2: They say that time heals - maybe so; but, it was 36 years this past Thanksgiving that my Dad died suddenly of a heart attack at the age of 49, and it still hurts. Just as a son needs a Dad; so, does a daughter at the age of 24, and expecting his only grandchild. I feel that we were both robbed of precious time.:sorry:

I feel that your Dad is very proud of the man you've become. A college degree is a piece of paper. Many who hold that paper in their hands have not done nearly as much good in this world as you have and continue to do each day.:happy030: Who would not be proud of that?

[Suzanne R]

Everyone else has been very eloquent so there's not much I can add except you can get up in the morning and look at yourself in the mirror and be proud of who looks back at you - I think your dad would have been extremely proud! There are a lot of people who can't say that. You have a good heart and a good soul; God knows that and so does your dad. I miss mine, too.:hug2::hug2::hug2::hug2:

[DixieDoodle]

I agree with everyone. Especially about the happy part! I have said that so many times to my kids. Especially when our daughter decided in college to become a teacher. Her statement was ..... well, I won't make much money. I told her the $$$ doesn't matter....it's what makes you happy. Again....with our son...he talks of becoming a chef, to go to a Culinary school....."I won't make much money".....again....if that makes you happy.....just do it!
I know a lot of people who have a degree and some of them are NOT happy people! They lead miserable lonely lives. Trying to keep up with the Jones's!
Be glad you have a career you enjoy. Yes, it probably wears you out and beats you down....but in the long run....you enjoy doing what you are doing. My husband was a deputy sheriff and although he left that after 8 years, there are times when he wishes he hadn't. He always felt proud of what he did. He thought something else would make him happier. Yes, at times it does....but not always. He lost his mom in the same way you lost your dad....age 18 and sudden heart attack. It completely ROCKED his world and I can tell you he has never been the same since. We had just started dating a few weeks prior, so I knew the before and after person. I think what you experience at this time of year is very normal.
Maybe just knowing others feel like you do will make this a little easier for you.
God Bless!:comfort:

[5weeniesmom]

Joe, it is ok to feel all the emotions you feel, we all struggle in everyday life choices--the important thing is you dusted yourself off and become better from it. Your dad IS proud of you--he knows what kind of person you have become but most of all you carry him in your heart everyday and he is a part of what makes you who u are along with your stepdad and mom. I also had a stepdad that raised me and lost him first at 23 and lost both parents rather sudden and close together. Some days beat us down and it is ok to let it out especially when u had so much responsibility at the time that u did not properly grieve. Big hugs to you as you go thru this--I am thinking about u!:hug2:

[Dogmother]

I have to say the measure of a man is how he treats an animal. You are one of the most fantastic men I been fortunate enough to come to know. You do wonderful things for homeless furkids and there aren't many men that would care so much about the fate of a pupper. You dad would be so proud and completely honored to have such a caring and thoughtful son. I hope your pain eases.

Terri

[doximom]

Oh Joe :hug2: to you. YOu are a awsome person & your dad would be proud of all you do & did.

[patty23]

I think your dad would be proud of the person you have become. He may have had a dream for you to go to college, but having a degree doesn't make you a good person. You walked your own path and got there in your own way. There's a lot to be said for that. :hanginthere:

I totally agree with Patricia, my thoughts exactly. Last July when my kids lost thier dad they both took it very hard but my youngest ,my son, was lost. It is still very difficult for him to deal with. He had a very hard time adjusting to his army life after being home for his dads funeral. He even had to take medication to sleep, I was really worried about him for quite sometime. Its never easy losing a parent, I lost my dad at 15, many of us know how you feel.